Each time they go through this, they come face to face with their own shadows and old wounds that are ready to be healed. These scenarios in adulthood are designed to help them rise beyond this role.

They are not cast into this role because they are weak or guilty, it is because their presence is a mirror for others' shadows and projections. They become the dumping ground for people / family members who don't want to take accountability for what they see reflected.

Also, because many scapegoated children carry guilt that is not theirs from enduring constant blame, they will also carry that guilt which is imprinted within them into adulthood. Because of this, it can be like a magnet for others to project on.

For example: If you carry programs of guilt, people tend to unconsciously blame you for their stuff. Scapegoats need to heal guilt/ shame to rise out of this role.

Their family of origin became their training ground. They learned to see through the gaps where words didn't match actions, where blame was shifted onto them, where projections were used as weapons, where they were punished for acting out the family's dysfunction, were deemed bad for speaking against the distortion and exposed the truth.

Inevitably, being scapegoated consistently molds one to take on this role as their identity (shame /guilt programming). They can become separated from their instincts, authenticity, and intuition because they were conditioned to believe that they were the problem.

But in adulthood, when healing takes precedence, they are able to start to see with clear eyes what was theirs and what they had taken on from others that was never theirs to carry.

They start to heal from believing they are the problem, or “bad” and reconnect with their true essence.

They begin to wake up.

Through this healing process they are led to face their own shadows that kept them in a disempowered state and victimhood, They begin to reclaim themselves.

They also regain access to their instincts, seeing even more clearly the distortion in relationship dynamics, groups, society, systems - clearly for what it is.

But…

This is a painful process because they cannot ignore what they see and feel. Relationships they genuinely care about are not void of them sensing the hidden shadows beneath the surface that others may not be willing to see or admit.

Things like jealousy, envy, resentment, passive aggression, manipulation, and insults disguised as “care”. Or hidden power plays in group dynamics that appear like “love and light”.

Often when they kindly but directly call out the truth of what they feel and see, with the intention to transmute, heal, and resolve with the person or group they care about, the other person/people more than not, denies the truth and will not face the music.

So the black sheep has no option but to leave, to go no contact, to let the relationships go.

Why?

Because they are not willing to live in a lie and carry that energy in their lives.

It is physically and energetically painful to stay. When there is distortion in a relationship or group dynamic and the other person/ people are not willing to look at it or admit it, and the black sheep stays, it will drain their life force.

It spiritually depletes them.

So they leave, and that is when the all familiar scapegoating from childhood begins again. Character defamation, smear campaigns, and the darkest shadows the group or other person possesses, projected onto the black sheep for speaking the truth.

But this is an initiation for the black sheep to shed outdated limiting beliefs from being outcasted so they can rely even stronger on their own knowing regardless of what others project, say or do.

Each time this happens, it is a dark night of the soul, and then an upleveling. The process is deeply painful. But on the other side, they emerge more free, their presence louder, and even more grounded in truth.

Eventually, as they heal and dissolve every layer of identity built around the scapegoat role, this energy will no longer be able to find them. It will not penetrate their field, will not take root, will not become a story they have to live through, again.

No more scapegoat.

Because they no longer unconsciously believe in the role anymore, nothing on the outside can stick.

-Tess

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Sometimes strangers can see your gifts and your light more clearly than the people closest to you. The people from your past, friends and even family, aren't always able to see the true you because they still hold you to a past version of yourself.

Some people from your past will always see you through the lens of who you were, your old behaviors and choices, making it difficult for them to recognize and accept the person you've truly become.

And even if they themselves have grown and changed, that doesn't always mean they'll be able to acknowledge your growth too. Why? Because they may not even give themselves credit for their own growth and change. If they are hard on themselves, they are likely unconsciously hard on others too.

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Family members can sometimes have the biggest blind spots when it comes to your growth. They may still see you as the child they once knew, making it hard for them to fully recognize the strength and gifts you now carry. But we also have to ask ourselves, do we acknowledge how much they have grown too? Acknowledgement can be reciprocal.

And sometimes current friends are not able to see you clearly either, because they don't see themselves clearly or acknowledge their own strengths and gifts. When people lack understanding themselves in certain areas like their biases, their wounds, their projections, they often see themselves and you through that foggy lens instead.

Sometimes your growth can hold up a mirror to their insecurities, and that's uncomfortable for them. So instead of sitting with that discomfort and getting curious about it, they push it down and project it outward by comparing themselves to you, discrediting you, your growth, your light and your success.

All of this can be very painful to feel, witness, and try to understand, when people you care about can't see you, want you to stay small, or project onto you. But they are also a mirror for you to see where you are still looking for outside validation from others instead of giving it to yourself.

They hold a mirror for you to see yourself, to heal your wounds, your insecurities, reclaim the parts of you that were dimmed or told to stay small, and rise even more rooted in your gifts, your truth, and your light.

It also subtly shows you who truly supports you, your work, your purpose, your strengths and who does not. This truth cuts like a knife but its better to know so you can choose your relationships wisely.

People are going to misunderstand you and judge you. But this is the initiation to step deeper into who and what you are meant to bring into this world.

The world needs your uniqueness, your light, your talents and gifts.

Don’t let others who can’t see you dim your light.

Tess xo

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The second step is actually owning your shadow parts. That is what shadow work is.

Your shadows have been abandoned, exiled and shunned to the basement of the psyche. So, to see them and then admit they exist within you is to bring them up from the dark, murky basement and into the light.

Your shadow is not your enemy; it's a guide that is available to help you let go of unresolved pain, suppressed emotion, dis-ease in the body, build healthier relationships, and to gain deeper self-awareness, so you can become a more integrated human being.

Facing our shadow is initially painful, as it invites us to confront our deepest fears, some painful truths about ourselves, unresolved trauma, shame, and our patterns that keep us stuck and small.

However, this process ultimately brings immense relief. Imagine the heavy weight we've been carrying for years being released when we can finally embrace the truth and then let go of all that is false and no longer ours to carry.

“Some” Examples of shadow aspects

Perfectionism

The need for control

Victim Mentality

Martyrdom

Avoidance

Codependency

Need for Validation

Insecurity/Negative Self-Perception

Escapism

Procrastination

Repressed Anger

Repressed sexuality

Unacknowledged Fear

Self-Doubt/ self critic/

Shame and Guilt

Jealousy and Envy

Judgment of Others

Unmet Needs

Unprocessed Grief

Resentment

Suppressed Desires

Self-Sabotage

Fear of Being Seen

People-Pleasing

hyper independence

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Although our shadows can seem big and overwhelming, each one holds a unique gift and message. Within our perceived weaknesses lie hidden strengths. And only you have the key to unlock what is in your subconscious and find out what those gifts are.

This path is a reminder that we hold both darkness and light within us, and they are always interconnected. What we uncover within the darkness allows the light to shine through. Only when we can hold both within us, can we integrate our shadows into the light so they don’t remain lost parts unconsciously driving us.

The shadows we avoid hold the keys to unlocking our fullest potential - they sit in the darkness waiting patiently for us to reclaim and embrace them. The many intricate, strange and beautiful facets of our humanity.

Tess

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-Linji Yixuan.

This quote is NOT about violence. Its about ending idolization of the spiritual teacher. Ending the habit of giving your spiritual authority to someone outside of yourself. This very process is what is loudly happening right now in the wellness/healing world.

The idol is falling.

The “Buddhas” are being exposed.

The pedestals are crashing down.

Spiritual abuse is devastating because it tears through the very foundation of what felt sacred. It does not just break trust in a teacher. It can shake your trust in truth, in God, and in your own discernment.

It can make you question everything.

As someone who had two living gurus in my younger years, who I was deeply devoted to and spent time in person with, and a few spiritual teachers along the way, I know what its like to feel spiritually tricked and betrayed.

Some of my teachers/ gurus eventually fell from their pedestals that I had placed them upon, through the painful truth that they were not who they claimed to be and were in fact spiritually abusing people.

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Through this long and painful process, I was cracked open and began to see through the illusions of the guru and some of my spiritual teachers. I began to see my naivety, gullibility, and took accountability for my part in where I gave my power away to others. Eventually, my maturity in discernment began to ripen.

Without the many experiences of spiritual betrayal I went through, I would never have been forced to stop looking outward, knock the buddhas off their pedestal, turn fully back to myself and become my own authority.

My X gurus and (some) teachers gave me their greatest lesson in the end.

I was forced to let them go.

The lessons challenged my very existence, but that is the true role of the guru. If you pedestal them, they will always inevitably disappoint you. Anything you give your power away to, will...eventually. Their only purpose is to turn you back to yourself, to expose the illusion of looking outside for answers, and to remind you that it was never about them; it has always been about you.

Many of the teachings that the ‘popular’ guides and gurus teach today come from ancient knowledge, which is why the teachings themselves are powerful and can truly help people. But the alchemy is in the teachings, not necessarily the teacher. It is like the saying about the finger pointing to the moon. The teachings are the moon. The teacher is only the finger. Confusion begins when we idolize the messenger as if they are beyond human.

And just because they speak with authority does not mean they live what they teach. More often than not, they are predators who feast on power. I have seen it far too many times and I have been prey. This truth is not the exception...it is the rule in the spiritual /wellness world.

yeah... I said it.

And that is the heartbreaking part. That is what hurts. The places that are supposed to be the safest are filled with Piranhas.

But once you see through this, you start to recognize truth. You begin to learn that truth has a frequency and although someone may talk the talk and have the lingo, you can sense their energy is off and doesn’t match their words.

I honestly believe that to understand and embody true spiritual discernment we have to be deceived first. How else do you learn? You take back your power by having a reference point of seeing where you gave it away in the first place.

You can not come into embodiment of your sovereignty from just listening to and reading someone else’s stories or teachings. The truest teachings are in the experience, in life itself through YOU.

Being deceived and eventually seeing though it, is the teaching. I wish we didn’t live in a world that these were the lessons, but they are. I still haven’t made sense of this world and I am still learning and growing. I fall down and I get back up. And a lot of times I am walking around with bloody knees. But I keep going.

And so....The world has been deceived on so many levels, the buddhas are dying and the idols are falling....

we are all living it - AND the world is WAKING UP

-Tess

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We have to feel what’s buried deep within in order to let it go.
It’s not just our minds that remember. Our bodies hold the imprints too.

But there is a mind-body connection.
And when we can cut through the story with our awareness, and feel what’s stored in the body, we can begin to release it fully.

Because it’s the story that hooks into us.
The beliefs we hold about the story is what keep us trapped.

Our belief systems are our own jailor.
But what we don’t see is that the cell we’re locked in has no walls, no bars…the door has always been open. Our self made prison is a mirage, built by fear and held together by outdated stories.

The past haunts us, and the more we circle in it, replay it, and feed it, the deeper its claws sink in.

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We can scrape our way out, but we have to see that we are addicted to the pain, addicted to the story and riddled with belief that keeps us stuck, sick and small.

Our brains can become addicted to the very pain we seek to escape, as reinforced neural pathways and endorphins trap us in cycles of suffering.

These pain states are old programs that were set in childhood due to conditioning and trauma and they become our default system in adulthood.

This is why I don’t “do” or offer traditional talk therapy. Talking around and around about the story, sinks you in deeper.

Some of my clients need to talk things through more than others, and that’s completely valid. I always meet people exactly where they are, and that’s something I deeply respect.

There’s no pushing, no agenda.
True healing can only happen in a space where you feel safe, seen, and in control of your own process. But… it’s the ones who sit, close their eyes, go in, look deeply, and get curious about the root, and cut through to the truth… that always go further.

They choose to stop talking around the thorn and face it.

They go Beyond the illusion of the story.

I muddled around in my stories for years, thinking I was getting somewhere.
But all I was really doing was digging myself deeper into my own entrenchment.
I stayed on the merry-go-round for far too long.

Now, I hope to point others toward a path that gets them out of the mud.
To show them how to dig up and out, not in and burrow down.

HOW TO DO THIS:

Firstly, we must get to the root of the story…. If you can name in one or two sentences what story keeps replaying in your head that you cant just let go of, then you can slay each story one by one.

For example, lets say we have ‘dad stuff’…..

We might sum it up like this:

“I’m angry at my father because he never gave me what I needed.”

The problem is there is no solution or resolution and that’s why we keep spinning in the pain….we are addicted to the story - Whether we want to admit it or not.

But…is this story really true?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

That what you didn’t receive wasn’t exactly what you needed for your path, your growth, your understanding?
Maybe it’s not what you wanted….but it’s what you got.

And…..according to who does this count as “not enough”?

Its not discounting what you went through, and what pain it caused, but it is obliterating the belief in the story.

So the real question becomes: What can you do with it now?

Some people won’t like this inquiry. I might even piss some people off.
It challenges the part of us that wants to stay in the story - especially the part that identifies with being the victim. If there is resistance, can you see what part of you doesn’t want to let go of the story, even though its causing you to suffer?

Aha… now you have exposed your jailor…. the one addicted to being stuck.

This entails moving away from blame shifting and taking radical responsibility for your life. This doesn’t mean you are responsible for the trauma you went through but you are responsible for tapping into your warrior spirit and taking accountability for your life going forward.

Its not to deny what we as a child went through. That pain was real, and it deserves our compassion. We must meet ourselves with kindness first. ALWAYS.

But eventually, if we truly want to end the suffering, we have to cut through.
And that happens through self-inquiry - inquiry that’s sharp, brutally honest, and precise, like a blade.

This work is not for everyone.
It’s for those who are sick of circling in the same old narrative.
The ones who are sick of themselves. You know when you get so sick of it all?

That sickness is good….. its the fuel you need to go further.
It means you are ready to break the cycle and face the truth full on.

I explore this more deeply in my book, Break Free: How Your Beliefs Are Limiting You From Reaching Your Full Potential - for those who feel ready to go there.

BREAK FREE

We can choose to dissolve our old and outdated stories and declutter our minds and hearts…. it just takes looking around to see where we are addicted to our pain and stuck.

xo Tess

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‘Healing’ and ‘waking up’ are NOT the same thing.

To understand this post, we must first define what “waking up” really is through seeing what it is NOT.

It’s not the version sold by New Age spirituality, you know the one that seems to be on steroids and in everyone’s face right now. That path looks outward, never inward. It’s used as a way to escape and “feel special” through stories of ascension, claims of being the “chosen ones”, identifying as a starseed, or using spiritual jargon to appear more enlightened.

But none of that is waking up. That is just people trying on and adopting new identities that make them feel better.

Which is fine….everyone has their path.

But… it has nothing to do with waking up.

Waking up is the opposite of clinging to identity. It’s the death of identity. It’s the dismantling of everything you thought you were. It’s realizing your own insignificance and facing the void and nothingness within.

It is not about becoming more. its about becoming less.

It’s seeing through the veils of story, self-image, and belief. After all, self identity really is just belief. I won’t dive deep into ‘belief in this post’, but it’s a subject I explore extensively in my book for those who want to go deeper.

Book: Break Free

Waking up is not about adding more meaning or finding a higher version of yourself. It’s about the end of pretending. The end of feeding the stories of self. The end in seeking ‘more’.

Healing can support awakening and can be a vehicle, BUT it can just as easily become a trap.

Healing deals with the personal and self worth. Waking up goes beyond it.

Healing is absolutely one of the most amazing things we can do for ourselves. But eventually it can become a path of identity where we keep believing there is always more to do and something else that needs mending.

In the end, true healing is about deep self-acceptance of all your parts and seeing the perfection exactly where you are.

Only then can you let go and just be. No more seeking. Just beingness as it is. And that is an awakening in itself. But there is still more….

Through fourteen years of deep healing work, I was on a search for my true self which I thought was what ‘waking up’ was. Finding the Self that felt TRUE. The one underneath the layers of inferiority and inauthenticity.

And yes, there were many layers. Doing that work was hugely beneficial for me. I got in touch with a very authentic version of myself that was deeply freeing. But even that still had limitations…

My inner critic used to be loud, mean, and relentless. Now it only shows up when I need it, as a tool for discernment or clear thinking. It no longer turns on me. The voice inside is kind now, and very loving. If I could name the single most important thing I gained from all that healing, it would be that. This is a deep richness that I treasure.

In the process, I met and understood all the parts within me. The perfectionist. The over-giver. The angry one. The critic. The saboteur. The addict. The lover. The compassionate one. The fighter. The manipulator. The fearful one. The doer. The one who hides. The people pleaser and many many more. Man there are a lot of characters in there!

I allowed them all to arise and watched them closely so I could understand them and “heal” them. That is where the irony lies.

Some of them eventually dissolved and died.

Many layers I shed.

I softened.

I became comfortable in my own skin.

What started to replace those wounded patterns was a version of me that felt worthy, lovable, confident, and real. Authentic.

But even that was still a version. An identity.

As parts naturally died, and some remained, there was a beingness underneath them all. A natural nothingness that was full. Always in the background… a deep void of richness that was empty of names or things.

But then one day, it hit me.

I had gotten to know the psyche and the self so well, fourteen dedicated years of it. I had tracked and explored every part of my inner world through self-inquiry and somatic work, and I had sat with hundreds of clients and got to know their selves intimately. And in all that depth, I realized something that shattered the whole idea I had been seeking.

There is no true self.

It was in circling around and within the selves - watching them appear, disappear, become dormant and then appear again that I recognized the merry-go-round for what it truly was.

and then I saw that I could get off of it….

I was never unworthy. I only believed I was. I was never worthy. I only believed I was.

The truth is I just am and always have been. Beyond any identity. Not good, or bad or anything in between.

Measurement is a construct of the ego. What we truly are is much less limited. You are not superior or inferior.

Measurement is finite and you are infinite. You are not your identity or personality.

We cannot be measured but the psyche constantly tries to measure everything. It cannot help itself. That is the ego at work. The psyche is built on belief. It is made up of beliefs and believes in itself.

It will do anything to prove it exists.

This is why we want others to see us and hear us, so we can feel like our “selves” exist. It will do anything to prop itself up and to have itself mirrored back to itself. Because in reality the self does not exist. It is a made-up construct of the mind.

Learning about the psyche and tracking it healed me a lot but it also eventually kept me spinning in circles going nowhere.

One day I realized it was a trap. There was no true self and there was no where to get to.

That realization opened my eyes in ways I had never seen before.

It was not explosive or dramatic. It was subtle, like an “oh yeah, duh, it is so obvious” moment. Once you see it you cannot unsee it. I have come to realize that truth is simple. It is the self that complicates things.

This doesn’t mean my psyche or sense of selves have all died. I’m not claiming that. I still have identity and many characters within me, but now I see it for what it is. I just don’t believe much in them anymore.

I cant take them seriously.

I no longer track them. I no longer try to figure them out. I simply allow them to rise and fall, to show up and even amuse me. Because truly, there is nothing to do.

The “doing” - the trying to get somewhere - is the trap.

If more needs to be revealed, it will reveal itself in its own time. I’m not in control of that. And I’ve come to see that there is nothing in me that needs to heal, because there was never anything wrong with me in the first place. And in the need to heal, that is just the self needing to be seen, so it can feel like it exists.

I want to see what happens when I no longer choose to mirror my self - back to my self.

Will ‘I’ disappear?

Healing is what got me here. To nowhere. It was the vehicle and the trap.

Waking up is the awareness of the false and the painful process of it dying within you.

There are many traps along the way…. but the limitation is always the doorway to the solution.

Letting go of the need to be somebody and soaking up the freedom and relief of being NOBODY. That is all that interests me these days.

And still, I wholeheartedly support the healing path. I walk alongside others as they heal. I’m a therapist in a recovery home for women who struggle with addiction, and healing is essential. I believe in it deeply. I’m its number one fan.

But eventually, even healing can become a prison. A maze and a loop. A subtle belief that there is always something more to change or fix. Something or someone else to become. When in reality, there’s just this, the simplicity of being, with nothing left to chase.

Tess

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Trading masks but never removing them.

Burying the old one we labeled “unworthy” beneath a new, shiny polished one.

When you're thrown off balance and the mask slips, the old self reappears, because it was always there, just hidden beneath the surface.

Healing is not about becoming “better.”

It is, if anything, about “unbecoming”: uncovering the masks we unconsciously adopted to survive and mistook for our true identity.

By deliberately and often painfully dismantling and peeling back the masks, we unbecome what we once thought was who we were.

What is false within us is exposed...

The versions of ourselves unconsciously created through who we thought we needed to be in the eyes of others.

When the lie is cracked open, laid bare and then integrated, the truth is revealed...

There is No Self to improve.

You were never worthy.

You were never unworthy.

You simply Are.

Self improvement is the trap

Superiority and inferiority are only concepts of the mind.

You can’t be measured.

There is something within each of us that is much less limited and beyond the self. The untouched vastness and void - before the birth of names and identities.

Where all knowledge and the known dissolves.

Beyond the identities we mistook for ourselves.

Who are you underneath?

-Tess

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I am soft. I am sensitive. I am big-hearted. I extend grace and forgiveness. But cross my boundaries one too many times that I set with clarity and fair warning, and I will rise in fire.

I will become the version of myself that exists to protect the innocent of this world, and that also includes my softness.

She is fierce. She is unapologetic. She does not entertain manipulation or games. She is not spiteful or malicious, but she will cut through delusion with a truth so sharp it feels like a blade.

If you come face to face with her, it means you have pushed too far.

There comes a time in every women’s life, when softness is not the medicine needed.

Only the dagger of truth can bring reckoning here.

This is her prerogative to become The Bitch.

Not the cruel or heartless kind, but the kind who refuses to abandon herself to protect another’s fragile ego. The one who uses her words clearly and firmly to pierce through deception with razor precision. Who stands her ground - not with force, but with bold authority.

The word Bitch has held many meanings throughout history and across different cultures. It has often been used in ways to tear women down and demean them.

I relate to how Ernest Hemingway began to shift its meaning in the early 20th century to highlight qualities such as ferocity, edginess, courage and boldness. These traits were seen as signs of inner strength and resilience.

This change in meaning happened during a time when women were beginning to gain more independence, including the right to vote through the Nineteenth Amendment.

For me, reclaiming the word Bitch is my way of taking back my power and my declaration of strength.

I have the right to call on my inner Bitch when needed. So do you.

This is the face of the Kali within.

She is the destroyer of illusions, mother of the innocent and the guardian of sacred rage.

To embrace her within yourself is to embrace your wholeness.

To be Women is to realize we are soft and fierce and we can call upon both when needed.

But…. if pushback comes once again - even after she has laid down the law…

She will no longer waste her precious time.

She is gone - no reply, no rebuttal, zero response.

This is non-negotiable.

And when the blade of truth rests sharp in the heart, yet remains unseen, all that lingers is the echo of her - a dream once dreamed, fading into nothingness.

Her truth and boundaries deserves to be honored, not dismissed or minimized.

And with that, she has bid farewell.

Curtains closed.

Game over.

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This is how we reclaim the parts that were lost, repressed, shackled and banned to the underworld.

This is how we meet our shadow.

What our inner child wants more than anything is to be seen and heard in their pain, so it is our job to listen and hold them. This is self compassion.

Just as importantly, we must also acknowledge and take accountability for how we may project or bleed our unresolved inner child wounds onto others in adulthood.

Self compassion is vital in healing but if self accountability is lacking or missing, then we are only doing half the work.

Let’s be clear here: accountability does not mean that we are responsible for the trauma we went through.

Self-accountability means owning our present-day experience, with self-awareness of our behaviors, attitudes, words, projections and actions.

It means recognizing when we are wrong in a situation. Standing in the truth of our behaviors not with shame, but with integrity, knowing that owning our wrongs is a mark of strength, not weakness.

Can you be okay with being wrong?

Can you admit to yourself when you are in the wrong?

This is not about self condemnation, its about radical self honesty which leads to inner freedom. When we can be honest with ourselves and others, we are choosing to step away from denial and into the light of the truth within and without.

This helps us build a powerful and real relationship with ourselves.

The most important relationship you will ever have is with YOU.

How honest you are or are not with yourself, is in direct correlation with how you experience life and your reality.

You are the beholder.

Denial can be a strong opponent. Denial will narcotize you and keep you on auto pilot if you don’t recognize its steaky ways.

Denial likes to make up excuses and point the finger outward.

Point it back in.

Taking honest accountability for our part serves as a shield against denial and the temptation to shift blame onto others, which is a habit we want to break out of.

So can we find solace in confronting ourselves with compassion?

Although admittance of our part or our wrongs can burn our insides a little at first, that burning is the alchemy, the transmutation, and is actually a vital part of healing. It scorches through shadows and illusions and creates space for light to come in.

This is true self compassion.

Being real with yourself and holding yourself accountable is, in fact, one of the most compassionate and loving acts that you can do for yourself.

The fullest expression of our humanity begins when we welcome ourselves fully, flaws and all.

With love,

Tess

My next post will be on boundaries, which is an important factor within this conversation.

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If you liked this, check out my book BREAK FREE : How Your Beliefs Are Limiting You From Reaching Your Full Potential. It just got released last week! My book goes deep into many subjects such as social conditioning, childhood trauma, shadow work and healing.

From action-packed movies and high-speed roller coasters, to loud nightclubs, restaurants and casinos. We overload our schedules, thrive on urgency, check our phones obsessively, drink too much coffee, and fill every quiet moment with noise.

We are constantly chasing experiences that flood our systems with adrenaline and cortisol. We've been conditioned to believe that these intense, high-stimulation moments equate to happiness. But in reality, they activate our fight-or-flight response, keeping us in a state of physiological stress.

This constant craving for a “rush” has created a culture of adrenaline junkies. People mistaking stress-induced highs for joy.

We’re led to believe that these experiences offer connection, meaning, and fulfillment but we need authentic connections for true contentment.

These “highs” keep us distracted, detached and if we don’t get the next hit right away…we go into withdrawal, always seeking more.

True happiness and peace doesn’t live in the extremes. It is found in presence, stillness, nature, creativity and genuine human connection. We’ve simply been tricked into believing otherwise. It's a hidden addiction, fueled by our brain’s release of beta-endorphins that keep us coming back for more.

This is not true happiness and contentment. Happiness is a state that we move in and out of, just like any state. Contentment is what we are looking for and it is often found in the little things, like when you stop and smell the roses. But a lot of people miss the roses because they don’t recognize them. They are too conditioned by life’s extremes to fill them up, so they unknowingly allow the roses to wilt and die.

True contentment can almost seem boring because it is simple, quiet and gentle. But because we are subjected to such an excess of adrenaline climax’s, we can miss it when it is right in front of our faces.

Ask yourself:
Do you stop and smell the flowers?
Can you sit in silence without reaching for distraction?
Are you willing to confront the attachments that feel good, but aren’t real?

Because here’s the truth…
The very things you chase may be the very things standing between you and peace.
And if you knew that, really knew it…

Would you change?

There is another way. It’s slower. It’s quieter. But it’s real.
And once you know it, you’ll wonder why you ever settled for anything less.

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Tess ;)

But what is rarely talked about is what happens after the death, after the grief, after the shedding. After the insights, after the clarity, after you’ve picked yourself up, brushed off the dust, and stepped out of your old skin — and been birthed brand new. You begin to walk into something … raw, unfamiliar, and tender with newborn skin.

Everyone romanticizes the rebirth as brilliant, light-filled, beautiful. And yes, it absolutely can be. But there's also a phase I call the aftermath, the space after the death, after the rebirth.

That liminal space between your old life and your new one. The part where you’ve let go, been dropped in new lands, but haven’t quite landed in yourself.

The canvas is clean. The slate is wiped. You’ve been born anew…but you don’t yet quite know how to move in this new skin or use these new wings.

Your old and familiar patterns wont work here anymore, they are outdated.

In fact, they died with your old self.

In moments of self doubt, you try to resurrect them out of sheer need for something familiar but you realize that there is actually nothing to grab onto.

You’re in new territory now, and like any foreign land, it can feel strange at first.

Its all encompassing and very surreal or dreamlike.

The aftermath can be a little wobbly and uncertain at first.

It demands self-trust, the kind that doesn’t rely on having all the answers. During the death and the rebirth many answers came and clarity was born, but side by side that is still many questions left unanswered in this aftermath place.

Walking into the unknown once again.

But did the unknown ever really leave you?
It has always been there.
You are just more aware of it now.

In the end, the unknown is the only constant.
The one thing you can truly count on.
Well, that and yourself.

The aftermath is the part no one really talks about, yet it is just as important as your death and rebirth.

Be in it fully.
Be okay with not knowing.
Learn to take baby steps in this new skin.
Nurture those new wings.
Do not wish this space away.

There is medicine here.
This is the tender ground where you learn to live in your becoming,
where you stretch new wings that are real, but not yet familiar, and slowly remember how to move and soar inside a new life and new skies that have never existed until now.

You are supported here. Be kind and patient with yourself.

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Love Tess

The truth is simple:
You cannot truly help others if you are constantly neglecting yourself.
How can you give to others when you're running on empty?

True self-care means saying “No” without guilt and without explanation.
It means honoring your energy, your peace, and your truth.

True self love and respect is setting boundaries with others when it is not serving you.
Not to hurt others, but to protect your own well-being and create healthier relationships.

Where in your life do you find it hard to say no?
Is it at work? In your personal life? Maybe both?

Are there certain people you feel you can't say no to?
Your family? Your partner? Your boss? Your friends?
Is it just one person or do you feel this way with everyone?

Now ask yourself where this started.
Most people find this pattern began in childhood.
It often becomes a coping mechanism, tied to self-worth and identity.
It was once a way to feel safe or loved. But you are no longer that child. You have the power now to change the story.

You are allowed to protect your space.
You are allowed to speak up.
You are allowed to take care of your needs first.

The ability to stand in your truth, without guilt is what sets you free.
Freedom to say no. Freedom to stop overextending. Freedom to be who you really are.

And from that place of truth, your relationships will strengthen.
Your vitality will return.
Your choices will reflect your values.

So next time you say yes to someone else
Ask yourself if you are saying no to yourself.

Because your voice matters.
Your peace matters.
You matter.

With love,
Tess

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Well, its not as if I “found” it like it was hiding from me. It was years of unraveling and unlearning and then dropping into alignment with this gentle state.

What is the sweet spot?

Well… it can be best described in the day to day routine of life. I continue to show up fully for my responsibilities, passions, and daily routines, but without a sense of struggle, efforting or striving. There is no inner push, no resistance. No sense of dread. The mundane simply is, and in fact, the mundane is where the most magic can be found.

In my work, I do a lot, but I find that I am “doing” less.

Although there is “doing” that I have to show up to, there is no pressure behind it anymore.

The need to push or struggle has faded, because I let go of the belief that life has to be hard. Struggle and effort were part of my conditioning — something I was taught, not something that’s inherently true.

This state is always there and available for anyone and everyone, just as any state of being is, we just have to ALIGN with it. However it is our “should’s”, “musts” and limiting beliefs about ourselves that keep us in the more familiar mindset of lack.

The lack monster is the culprit who consistently tells you to “do more”, not less.

I’ve carried a lack mentality for most of my life. Just when I thought it was finally gone after years of tracking it, it would resurface — subtle at first, then suddenly overwhelming, pulling me back into believing I was small again.

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But with each return, I learned more from its presence. Like being in a long, abusive relationship, I began to recognize its patterns, its lies, and its manipulation.

This lack monster is ancient. It lives in our bloodlines, passed down from one generation to the next. It feeds on fear. It’s convincing, not because it’s true, but because it’s carved deep tracks in the pathways of our minds.

I consciously kept breaking down my own conditioning around money, abundance, work ethic and so on. I looked that monster in the face for years.

He is not bigger than me anymore. And he is not bigger than you.

I am also not naïve or ‘above’ the idea that he will likely show his face again and try to scare me into submission…. and he may just do so. But I have a reference point now to this space that I call the sweet spot, and each time he comes to try to “get me'“, I will learn more about lack mentality, and take a bigger step away from it.

It is in our limitations that we truly learn and grow. The limitation is the solution, so if there is more for me to ‘unlearn,’ I welcome him. He is my teacher.

I think I will rest in this effortless space now. It is our birth right.

I hope to meet you here, and in the meantime, I hope these words meet you exactly where you are.

Love Tess

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But this one was different.

You truly didn’t see it coming, even though you thought you’d never fall for another narcissistic personality type again.

Most people who attract these types of relationships, have a history of more than one and usually a family member as well.

The ones who show up to you keep getting better at spinning their webs.

You cant believe it happened again and that you couldn’t see it until now. The love bombing was different this time. It felt genuine. The connection felt so real.

It was. Until it wasn’t.

The duality of it all — that’s what’s hardest to hold and really comprehend.

Yes, you were manipulated.
Yes, you also felt loved, and loved them deeply too.

Both realities are held here. One doesn’t discount the other.

But…that love you felt was inside of you. That was and is real.

That love is who you are, not the object of your affection. That’s the illusion revealed.

You thought you were falling in love with them,
but they were only the mirror, the catalyst…
for something much deeper.

You were falling in love with yourself.

That’s why the universe sent them to you. Not to destroy you but to show you all the places you were seeking love and validation outside of yourself - so you could come back to yourself and remember.

It was never outside of you.

Its always been YOU.

These kinds of relationships are powerful initiations.

They echo our childhood, where we felt unloved, or where we were gaslit into distrusting our own instincts.

They don’t just repeat the cycles of pain. They reveal the truth.

They bring to the surface the exact wounds we need to see, acknowledge and heal. They burn away everything that is untrue and lead us back to what is innocent.

When you finally understand the cycle for what it is, and begin to mend the corners of your soul that were torn through emotional, and psychological abuse, everything shifts. In that awareness, you reclaim your power, not all at once, but piece by piece.

When it all finally hits you: all the moments you were being manipulated that you didn’t fully see at the time, it’s a bloody trip.

It all comes flooding in, every memory, every conversation, and suddenly everything makes sense. And yeah, it rips your heart out. But the wild part is realizing that some part of you did see it all along. Maybe not consciously, but deep down, you knew.

You always had your intuition in tact, you just forgot how to listen. Plus you were coerced into going against your own inner knowing. They made you believe they knew better than you. It was like being under a spell.

Now you have woken up and broken the spell, and your never going back.

From that moment on, you become a razor-sharp bullshit detector and can’t unsee what you have seen and now know.

No manipulation, no mask, no tactic, no lie gets past you.

Every twisted dynamic you endured wasn’t just pain — it was the training ground.

You were being forged into remembering your sovereignty.

And now? You don’t just see through illusions, you shatter them.

That’s your power.

RECLAIMED.

You used to fear them. But now, when they look you in the eye, they see the truth: that you, KNOW. And that terrifies them, because in your gaze, their lies are exposed.

Just one look, that’s all it takes.

If you see yourself mirrored here in some of this or all, know that I see you too.

Empaths go through these initiations to come back to themselves. This last statement isn’t to condone abuse, but to highlight the strength and resilience of the human spirit in breaking destructive cycles that have lasted lifetimes.

You are the cycle breaker.

Welcome to the reclamation.

Tess xo

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If you judge or are intimated by Wild Women it is because you are still not FREE within yourself.

The Wild Women holds a mirror for you to see where you are not Free.

The Wild Women does not adhere to labels or constructs from society that are unfairly placed onto women and what they “should” be.

The Wild Women walks her path fiercely and is not afraid of the fire. In fact, she is friends with the fire and encourages it to burn away all the illusions and everything that she is not.

The Wild Women speaks her voice and her truth even if she still has fear within her for being shunned or persecuted. She walks into her wildness through facing that fear that was passed down from her grandmothers and great grandmothers.

Truth is her light house and she will always follow its luminosity. And even in times when there is no light and only darkness, she has an undeniable inner guidance and intuition that will lead her the way.

The Wild Women is anything but ordinary and people may not understand her. She walks to the beat of her own drum, yet holds reverence for everyone’s journey.

She is an invitation for you to claim your Wild Nature within. For the Wild is within you and your birth right.

Strip off the conditionings from society and see what is hidden deep underneath.

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I used to express my wildness in unhealthy ways. At that time I did not know how to truly connect with my freedom and wild nature. And the way I expressed it was misplaced.

When I let go of the substances, toxic relationships and stepped into the fire of self discovery, I began to claim my Wild Nature in the most natural way. I didn’t need adrenaline or Wild experiences anymore to get in touch with that place. I realized that my freedom wasn’t going to be found on the outside, but within me. The eye of the storm - the inner peace within was the wildness I was seeking for so long. It was always within, deep in the uncharted depths of my soul.

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I let go of societal pressures and labels and I live a very unconventional life. This is apart of my truth, this is apart of my Wild Nature. Society tells you who you should be and that kept me in a cage for many years. Letting go of the “should be’s”, the ridiculous expectations of perfectionism that every women faces, and letting go of all the falseness that never served me. I continue to walk deeper and wider into my wildness. The brilliant thing is, the depths keep going. They never end.

Everyone has the chance to step out of the cage and into the Wildness and Freedom of their spirit.

Tess

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In 2010, I had a medical emergency and was teeter tottering on the edge of death. I was induced into a coma and was put on life support. I only had a 5% chance of survival. This brush with death changed me forever and actually saved my life. You are probably asking yourself how nearly dying could save my life, as that is a huge paradox…

Keep reading, I am about to tell you.

After spending over a month in the hospital, I had one full year of healing, which meant sitting at home and having no choice but to go within.

I had ALOT of time to ponder and figure out why this had happened and what life was trying to show me. My near death experience made me realize that I had been living on auto pilot most of my adult life, was completely disconnected from myself and had no idea what I was doing up until that point.

And..... if I hadn't almost died, I may still be living in that space which is not actually living at all. I recognized that I was very open as a child and early teens, so what happened? Why didn't I stay open and happy? I realized that I had too many harsh and traumatic situations happen by the time I was 19, so I had begun to shut myself down to protect myself from the world. By the time I was 28, I was bitter, jaded and miserable. It literally took nearly dying to wake me up from this auto pilot state of misery!

I was not living in my potential and was just going through the motions... and that is what I call "the auto pilot state". Life shows up to us day in and day out, but do you show up to life in your full capacity? Is it a reciprocal relationship? Or are you in a battle with life?

If we are not paying attention, and we are just idling through life unconsciously, life will throw us curve balls to get our attention. A lot of times it takes some really intense things to happen to wake us up out of our sleep. You don't have to be someone who almost dies to wake up out of your slumber. You don't have to hit rock bottom to hear the call. Although, some people do....like myself.

You may feel this calling in the center of your being, in the resonance of my words, or the winds of change that are blowing in your direction, which you can no longer ignore. My near death experience led me to many new births in my life and these propelled me forward into my mission and purpose in life, which is to walk alongside people while they wake up to who they truly are.

Many people have forgotten who they are, and I am a gentle alarm clock or chime here to remind you that there is so much more to you then you have been taught. You are way more powerful then you can imagine!

You didn't come here to just work the 9-5 everyday, eat, sleep, rinse and repeat. Absolutely not, you came here to be so much more. You are way less limited then that!

Just as there is a whole world out there to explore, there is also an infinite world to discover and explore within yourself. But you can't get there unless you choose to.... If you are someone who hears this call, even it is a light whisper, my hope for you is that you pay attention to the signs and answer that call. In my experience, if we ignore those whispers, life will eventually scream at us until we finally get it. Anything that we deny will come back around again and again, and it will get louder, as we can only ignore things for so long.

With Love,

Tess